An Unusual Resume

I’ve always had sort of a roguish curriculum vitae, I guess. Why “roguish?” I’m certain most employers would (or have) describe/d it differently and with less charm. But I think it is the right word because, for example, I could probably add that I was first mate on a pirate ship and people would think it made perfect sense.

The version of it I’ve had up on careerbuilder dot com and monster dot com (no links for you guys, hah) has never done me a whit of good … I think HR departments are good at screening out rogues. The last time a resume played any role in getting me a job, I think it was 1981.

Yesterday, I debated deleting myself from the aforementioned job sites because they do me no good and, increasingly, they let their clients spam me for sales and/or multilevel marketing jobs, which makes me crazy. But instead I tried a writing experiment. I added *this* to the top of my resumes:

“I don’t see any point in writing a boilerplate “objective” designed to squeeze me through the HR funnel to interviewers on the way to Cubicleland, or even a corner office. If you’re unnerved that I would say so, please don’t bother me. I’m busy. You might be getting paid to seek me out, but I’m not getting paid to listen to you.

“If, on the other hand, you’re someone who needs a wickedly smart person who writes anything as well as anyone, has a tremendous range of skills and interests and knows how to get things done, you’re invited to try and get my interest. Please start with email. Try to be clever. I treat online job sites just as I would a dating site. I’m choosy because I can be. And I won’t chase YOU unless you’re irresistible.”

What do you think? Can’t hurt, right? I do crack myself up sometimes …


  1. It’s a wickedly clever addition-sure to be overlooked and/or possibly “accidentally” deleted. Although the pirate ship should be worked in somehow. I understand they do encourage vague and rambling references to “Gilligan’s Island”.
    The comparison to online dating sites is apt. Both types of sites offer hours of humor and opportunities to critique and demean others, a function somehow not totally fulfilled by politics and/or illegal immigration.
    Back in the old days (when I was young), the career market was so very choked and glutted, we were encouraged to make our C.V.’s “stand out”. I used to write mine in crayon. This was vastly more popular than the naked pictures mistakenly attached with crazy glue on the backs. Go Figure!

  2. Ashley:

    I guess that depends on what you mean by “work.” It hasn’t gotten me a job.

    But neither did my other resume. And, if I had to pick one to get me a job, I’d still pick this one.

  3. I have recently gotten off Facebook. It’s original idead unnerved me even a little, causing me to question my masochistic needeness for attention, I was just flooded by companies that wanted me to eat at their restaraunt and shop at their stores. It’s the untimate in “friendship” with a price. I really have enough friends IRL trying to get me invest in their worthless schemes.
    I also have run out of witty descriptions for what I am doing “right at this moment” I’ve used up all the extreme scenerios, such as “artificially insemination Brahma Bulls”, “pumping out my septic tank”, and obvious bids for sympathy like”getting ready for my major heart surgery.”

    I’ve come to the nihilistic conclusion that no one cares…unless I have an organ to sell, or it’s one of those former aquaintances I ditched long ago.

    “I always feel like Somebody’s watching me”
    And it’s never good.

  4. AJ:

    You’re ahead of the curve.

    I’m about to cut my FaceBook participation back to a minimum. I do want people to be able to find me; I do want to be able to find people. I’ve been rewarded doing both.

    But I don’t want to be there every day.

    Do you know anyone who wants to buy a kidney? Oh, actually … Twitter might be better for that. Or Craigs List …

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“Half the places I have been to, never were. I make things up. Half the things I say are there cannot be found … I forget things, too. I make mistakes, but I am on the side of Good, by accident and happenchance.” --The Golux